FML

One of the projects I started this past month is the Field Manual for Living as Amos Ng (abbreviated ironically as FML). I’ve been trying to systematize how I live my life, and to that effect I’ve taken a stab at consolidating my initial thoughts on this into a single document. This is of course very much a work-in-progress; I don’t think there will truly be a final edition for so long as I’m alive because I will always be changing as I grow, but even so I expect these early stages of this project to be especially volatile in ideas and content. I wonder how much of what I’ve put down so far will be applicable beyond this present phase of my life.

When presented with the idea of creating a system for your life, one of my friends had mentioned how it felt constricting for them to have to adhere to strict rules, even if it’s rules that they laid down for themselves. This extended even to weekly schedules that they would set for themselves, follow successfully for a few weeks, and then want to break out of again. I agree entirely with that concern because I have similar tendencies: a fully blocked out schedule feels grueling and anxiety-inducing to me, whereas it offers a different friend of mine increased focus and energy, and a reduction in feelings of indecision and meaninglessness. It truly is different — even opposite — strokes for different folks.

As such, my goal with creating structure in my life is not to suffocate myself but to assist in keeping me feeling grounded, centered, and rooted. Many years ago, someone at Burning Man had informed me for my own benefit that I wasn’t very centered. It wasn’t a diss; in fact it was exactly the sort of friendly outside perspective that I value receiving, except that in this case I had no idea what they meant. Their explanation didn’t exactly stick with me either. The interaction got logged in my memory as one of those interesting things that might make sense later.

And now, that “later” has arrived at long last. I feel like I finally get what they were talking about. I used to always just go completely along with the flow; now I also help in defining the flow with my own values. I still allow myself to be pushed by the flow because I am after all only rooted and not bolted down, but now I can recognize when I’m not quite where I want to be, and now I have a center to return to when that happens. As with meditation, I can allow people, ideas, and things to pass by and through my life. I notice and appreciate them for what they are as they float on by, but I don’t need to be dragged along unless I actively want to.

For me right now, the FML serves as an emotional support handbook. It’s fresh enough that I have yet to actually look anything up, but it gives me the feeling of safety that if I’m ever feeling lost and want to find ground again, it will be there for me as a useful starting point.